I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
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i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
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Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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