Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
