We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
