We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
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I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
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He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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