I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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