My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
