Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
