Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
