Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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