you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We had sex on a dog bed..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
