I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
