My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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