are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
