My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
