Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
