just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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