I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
