I'm really into asian looking animals
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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