He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
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No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
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He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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