I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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