I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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