Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
