i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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