You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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