you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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