You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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