my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
