omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
