I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My life is pants optional.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
