I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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