i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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