that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
