At least make sure they are 18
Why
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
