I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
