I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
