my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
