why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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