John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I supernannyed him into submission
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize