my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
