dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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