I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
