I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
