Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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