he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
