Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
