This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
