Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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