Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
