Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
this boner is exhausting
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
