chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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