Writing my paper on freud at bar
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.