6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
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You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
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And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old