i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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