Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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