Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
