Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
