come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
